DisForDwarfMy latest audiobook narration release

Synopsis

Long ago, in a land far away, there lived a beautiful princess named Snow White.

Okay, it wasn’t long ago, it was just a few minutes ago. And it wasn’t far away, it was the Bad Apple Miniature Golf Course/Action Fun Park in New Jersey.

Come join your favorite characters: Snow White, the Queen, the Pepperoni Prince, and of course, the dwarves – Farty, Disorderly, Complimentary, Turkey, Sleazy, Juicy, and Smug. All the things you remember from your happiest childhood story, like talking mirrors, poison apples, magic bungee cords, zombies, and flatulence. Guaranteed to bring on that old nostalgic feeling.

Note: These audiobooks do not need to be heard in alphabetical order. Mix and match! Trade with friends!

on Audible                on Amazon

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CIsForCookieMy latest audiobook narration release

Synopsis

What makes those cookies so gosh-darned yummy?

“You need to get a job,” Father said to his children. “You’re in your mid-20s. Time to get out my house.” And so they did.

Hansel and Gretel are two long-haul truckers, a brother and sister team, whose work order is simple: Deliver a truckload of cookies across country to an old witch in the forest. They accept the job, despite the rumors that those who deliver cookies sometimes don’t make it back. When they stop to pick up their load, they notice something isn’t right. Pastries shouldn’t be bleeding and screaming and trying to escape their boxes.

Years ago, a rather ugly child lived in an orphanage. She was picked on mercilessly until one by one the orphans went missing. Now an old witch with a cookie addiction, she sits alone in her mansion made of sweets, waiting for her delivery of baked goods with the one special ingredient in them.

Will Hansel and Gretel make their delivery on time? Will they make it out alive? Will Hansel finally admit that Gretel is the better driver?

Indulge your appetite and feast your eyes on this new twist on an age-old tale.

Note: This series does not need to be listened to in alphabetical order. Mix and match! Trade with friends!

on Audible                on Amazon

BisforBear

My latest audiobook narration release

Synopsis

Once upon a time, there were three bears.

Jimmy DiFrenzo is the head of one of the Figarazzi family, one of the toughest mob families around. He loves his gabagool, his gold chains, and his chest hair. He lives in a nice suburban home with his adoring wife and child. The perfect, yet hackneyed, life of a Sicilian American. But he has secrets.

Blondie is a spoiled little rich girl who always gets her way. When her life becomes tedious, she begins a life of breaking into random homes. She never steals anything; she’s in it for the excitement. All is going swimmingly, till she finds herself the wrong house.

“Someone”s been using my hair gel!”

“Someone’s been eating my gabagool!”

“Someone’s been sleeping on my couch! And there she is!”

Just who is this blond bitch that has broken into Jimmy’s home? Did she really pick the wrong house, or does she have a plan? Perhaps she has secrets, too. Come witness this remix of an age-old classic. This ain’t your grandma’s fairy tale

on Audible                on Amazon

 

Revelation 2My latest audiobook narration release

Synopsis

The apocalypse is coming.
A major demon has decided to start a war that will kill off humanity and give control to his demon legions.
Kastor Blackwood was chosen at birth to prevent that war. Will he succeed in finding the guardian and prevent world destruction? Will humanity survive? Will they be able to crawl and scratch their way back from the brink of extinction in a fragile new world?
With the help of a few unlikely allies, he may be able to succeed in his task.

on Audible                on Amazon

ThoseEyesMy latest audiobook narration release

Synopsis

Reincarnation is hard work. Especially in the hands of idiots.

Archangels in the sky have one job: Making sure our souls get to new bodies. But sometimes they screw up.

Ronnie Jones is an ambitious teenage boy about to ask his Helen to marry him, till an accident cuts his life short. Like that annoying joker someone forgot to take out of that deck of cards before shuffling, his soul ends up where it doesn’t belong; miles away. When he reawakens as Freddy, his spirit is on a mission. He must find the girl that has his heart.

The good news: He finds her again!

The bad news: It’s 30 years later, and she’s a baby. Seriously. He can’t catch a break.

Baby Katey’s parents meet their end when their plane crashes into a Tahitian moose. Freddy steps in and adopts her. His love for Katey/Helen is of a different variety now. He’ll do anything to protect her. But does this include shielding her from the truth?

Those Eyes is a surrealist romantic comedy originally penned by a group of Benedictine monks in a trailer at a maple syrup protest rally. The manuscript went through several revisions, and even one book burning demonstration, and is now nothing like the original text. It has been translated into one language: this one. It’s packed with extra comedy, a whole lot of love, a splash of the ghastly, and more than a touch of the bizarre.

on Audible                on Amazon

AIsForAdamMy latest audiobook narration release

Synopsis

And on the sixth day, God created man.

Adam is the first human being all alone in the Garden of Eden. He has everything he needs, but he sure is lonely.

One morning he awakens to find his body flayed open. Could it be kidney thieves? No, God has stolen a rib to make him a companion. Why he couldn’t have just made Eve out of dirt like Adam was, is beyond him. Adam and Eve are living in relative peace in Paradise until trouble comes to the Garden in the form of a snake. He convinces Eve to eat the Fruit from the Tree of Knowledge, and she convinces Adam to do the same. This makes God very angry, and he banishes them to the desert to fend for themselves.

Why are they suddenly knowing things they shouldn’t? Why are twigs sprouting out from their body? How did their goat learn the words to all these Phil Collins songs?

Follow me, as we journey together through one man’s complete misunderstanding of the Book of Genesis.

on Audible                on Amazon

degreesseparationMy latest audiobook narration release

Synopsis

Degrees of Separation was originally penned by a squadron of Black Sabbath fans at a Steely Dan show. The pages that weren’t used for rolling special cigarettes were retrieved from the floor of the concert hall, and then (barely) translated into this book here.

Mystical. Weird. Hilarious. It’s a tale of idiots. It’s a tale of life. A dumb cast of characters you have to see to believe. The surgeon on an acid trip. The lazy Uncle who fuses with his favorite chair. The boy who comes back from the dead for revenge. Bootsy Collins. What do these people have in common? About as much as you have with Kevin Bacon.

Witness how the actions of one can affect the lives on many in these Degrees of Separation. Get ready for a downward spiral through hell. Through beauty and nightmares, through comedy and tragedy. Where is this all headed? Is this the end?

on Audible                on Amazon